


Hawkbitch gets exactly what’s coming to him

by fishfish53



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bunnix-mentioned, Chat Noir is a little self depreciating-but you’re not here for that, Chat Noir says fuck and you can’t change my mind, Chloé Bourgeois Redemption, Chloé bourgeois wears heelies, Chloé is disgusted by Gabriels clip on tie, Chloé/Queen Bee has a grudge match with Luka/Viperion, Crack, Elavator of hell, Gabriel Agreste is a terrible person, Hawkbitch gets exactly what’s coming to him, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I took canon out back and shot it, Nino centric, Nino is fed up with Hawkmoth, OC Akuma - Freeform, We do not hate on Chloé in this house, Yeet the rich 2021, hellavator, its not gonna bother you any longer, no beta we die like Chat Noir in Timebreaker, she seems like the type of person that would
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishfish53/pseuds/fishfish53
Summary: Nino is studying for finals when SOMEONE punches an Akuma through his bedroom window, and fails him in history. Queen Bee tries to kill said Akuma, and Everyone is panicking. Things get a little better when he finds out that he gets to punch Hawkmoth AND Gabriel Agreste.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	1. Hawkmoth unofficially makes the Parisian teens most wanted list

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fanfic, and I for one am devastated that Hawkbitch gets exactly what’s coming to him isn’t a tag.

It was a cold and rainy day in Paris, and while that was enough to make any kid disappointed, it was also a Sunday, and the last day before finals. So as you can guess, the collective stress level and disappointment of the teens of Paris was higher than a kite, and not a fun kite. This metaphorical kite was made out of newspapers from D-Day, old shoe strings, broken plastic clothes hangers, and glue made from baby cow hooves.  
All in all, a perfect day for someone to get akumatized. Nino sighed at that depressing train of thought before opening his history textbook with an internal groan. Today fucking sucks. He aimlessly flipped through the book, occasionally taking some half heartedly scribbled notes. Well, he thought, perking up a little. Today can’t get any worse than it already is.  
Nino would later look back at that moment and curse the fates, Hawkmoth for being a little bitch, and himself for tempting the universe to prove himself wrong. All in all, it was a stupid day.  
CRASH!  
“THE FUCK?” Nino fell back in his chair as a woman wrapped in failed school assignments like a mummy was violently thrown into his room, via his fucking window. I am going to kick Hawkbitch’s ass if I ever have the pleasure of catching him. Ninos thoughts momentarily distracted him from the failing mummy with the blissful image of using a metal bat to break Hawkmoth's kneecaps.  
“NINO!” Nino scrambled for the door as Alya-no-Rena Rouge tackled the mummy. “HOW DID YOU NOT GET THE ALERT?” She yelled.  
“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FORGET I LIVED HERE?” He yelled back. His girlfriend might’ve been in her super suit, but everyone on the goddamned team knew where he lived.  
And speak–or well, think of the devil, there she was, Chloé, or Queen Bee, as she wanted everyone to call her, swung in and kicked the mummy right as she tried to get up.  
“HEY LOSERS! WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!” Chloé snapped as she lassoed the mummy around its neck with her weapon. She pulled it closer and attempted to strangle it, which was weird for her, Queen Bee wasn’t above trashing someone for their Akhma getup, she usually didn’t try to kill them over it.  
Then Ladybugs Yo-Yo wrapped around his waist and Nino was unfortunately yoinked to safety.  
“Aww, it was just getting good! Queen Bee finally lost her-”  
“Not the time Nino!” Ladybug interrupted. She pushed a familiar black box into his hands and raced through her usual blurb about the miraculous. “Nino Lahiffe this is the Miraculous of the tur-Fuck it! You know what to do!” She turned to Chat Noir, who was blankly staring at the ground akin to someone who had just been told how and when they were going to die.  
“Chat! Come on! PLAN THE FUNERAL LATER.” Nino felt physically nauseous, if Ladybug was flipping out on everybody, this Akuma had to be bad.  
“Hey Way-”  
“LATER!” She practically pushed Chat off the roof and went flying towards the Akuma and left Nino to transform.  
“Wayzz! Shell on!” Nino was then instantly transformed into his alter ego, Carapace. He jumped into action and threw his shield Captain America Style at the mummy.  
“SO!” Nino said as he dogged a lasso made out of 0/0 math tests the mummy had swung at him. “WHAT'S HER DEAL?” Rena pushed him out of the way and threw his fucking history text book at the mummy.  
“FUCK OFF! JUST BECAUSE YOU FAILED DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO!” She yelled.  
“I AM DREAMCRUSHER! FAILER OF GRADES AND DESTROYER OF COLLEGE ADMISSION! NOT EVEN LADYBUG CAN UNDO MY DAMAGE!” Dreamcrusher yelled.  
“HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK?” Nino yelled to no one in particular.  
“IF SHE TOUCHES YOU WITH ANY OF HER PAPERS, YOU FAIL THAT CLASS FOREVER, AND YOU WILL DEFINITELY NOT GET INTO COLLEGE!” Chat Noir yelled. “THIS IS THE THIRD FUCKING TIME BUNNIX HAS BROUGHT US BACK!”  
“TALK LATER!” Queen Bee yelled, once again trying to strangle Dreamcrusher. And Nino did not blame her one bit. “I-” She punctuated with an extra hard tug of her spinning top, “WILL-NOT-FAIL-GEOMETRY! I ACTUALLY STUDIED!”  
Ladybug pulled Chat Noir out of the way and shook him like a rag doll. “Chat! C’mon kitty! We have to get Hawkmoths Miraculous and Mayuras to fix this! Head in the game!”  
“I’M GOING TO GET FUCKING MURDERED M’LADY!” Nino stopped mid throw and looked at Chat.  
“NOT! THE! TIME!” Rena called. “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF MY LAST SHRED OF SANITY! GO GET VIPERION AND RYUKO! I WILL NOT WORK AT MCDONALDS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I HAVE DREAMS GODDAMMIT!” Rena slapped the mummy upside the head with her flute and then started whacking her into the ground, aiming for the other girls boobs and kneecaps with an un Alya like bloodlust. She then let loose a furious screeching sound that went on for an unsettling length of time. And Ladybug, obviously fearing for her own safety, if not her life, swung away, leaving the other four heroes to keep Dreamcrusher occupied.  
“MY LASSO OF HISTORY SHALL LEAVE YOU DEFENSELESS!” She yelled, striking Nino in the back.  
Nino felt like screaming. This bitch needed to go down. He grabbed his shield, lept to Rena’s side and helped her continuously beat the mummy into the ground. Chat Noir, trying to stay in the present, joined in while Queen Bee tightened the string on Dreamcrushers neck. Unfortunately the beatdown was interrupted by the arrival of a single feather, which of course made Chaton sneeze like no tomorrow. Queen Bee, most likely out of desperation, pulled her spinning top away and released her hold on Dreamcrusher.  
She then mimicked what everyone there had seen Ladybug do a million times, she opened her weapon and then caught the feather.  
“HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WOULD WORK?” Chat Noir asked, slamming the butt of his staff into Dreamcrushers chest.  
“I DIDN’T!” She yelled, lassoing the akumatized woman once again and continued trying to choke her.  
Nino almost collapsed in relief when Ladybug got back with Ryuko and Viperion. He wasn’t sure what could even be done now, but he was glad no one else would suffer his fate.  
“Oh fuck me sideways.” Ryuko usually had almost no emotion in her voice, but today, her voice betrayed her panic.  
“Try and wash away her papers, and then grab the stress putty from her hand! Hurry!” Ladybug commanded. Viperion and Ryuko got to work. Ryuko yelled something-Nino wasn’t paying attention to her any longer, failing history was bad enough-and then his now very trashed room flooded with water.  
“GROSS!” Queen Bee lept back and clung to the wall. She caught Nino’s look and yelled back, “THE WATER IS LITERALLY HER!” Nino filed that tidbit away for a later date and sighed in relief as the papers were washed away. Viperion grabbed the purple putty and threw it to Chat Noir, who promptly destroyed it. Ladybug caught the Akuma, but she didn’t purify it.  
“Wha-what happened?” The woman, who was very beaten and bloodied by this point, was back to normal.  
“You were akumatized by Hawkmoth, and according to you, and Bunnix, the damage can’t be undone by my ladybugs.” Ladybug replied softly.  
“On no! What did I do?”  
“You failed half the students in Paris forever.” Chat replied. The woman, understandably, did not take it very well.  
“Oh god, everyone’s going to hate me!”  
“Understatement of the year.” Everyone looked to Queen Bee, who was still clinging to the wall. “What? She failed me in everything but P.E! I have to actually participate in that class now!”  
“Ma’am, Bunnix said that you would know where Hawkmoth lived, she mentioned that the Akuma came out of the house you were behind at the time.”  
“That, that can’t be! It came out of-” she stopped herself and looked up at Ladybug. “If I’m wrong, It won’t matter what I did to the students of Paris, the Akuma came from the back window of the Agreste mansion.”  
“No, you can’t-no!” Nino protested, Adrien just couldn’t be Hawkmoth. Since Gabriel had already been akumatized, and Gorilla was mute, that, that left his best Bro as Hawkmoth.  
“Adrien's Hawkmoth! Oh no! I gave him-” Ladybug stopped, mostly due to Chat almost collapsing in laughter.  
“Good one M’lady!” He could barely form words.  
“How is he not Hawkmoth?” Rena demanded. “All of the evidence points to him being Hawkmoth.”  
“I’m, I’m just gonna go.” The woman left, clearly not wanting whatever crazy they had going on.  
“How can I be Hawkmoth if I’m right here?”  
“No fucking way Adrien Agreste is Chat Noir.” Queen Bee scoffed. “Utterly ridiculous!”  
“Ladybug?” Rena waved a hand in front of Ladybug's face before the dazed Heroine mumbled. “I threw Adrien Agreste halfway across Paris.” She was shocked. “I blew off Adrien Agreste for Adrien Agreste.”  
“Sorry Bee, I have to purrooove you wrong!” Nino’s world got flipped upside down and then shaken about like a child would shake a magic 8-ball. His best friend, Adrien–the cinnamon roll–Agreste was the cursing cat of Paris. Adrien, the same kid who didn’t know how to play spin the bottle, was Chat Noir, the cat who had once screamed the word fuck so loud, he startled the all of the pigeons in a five block radius. That, that doesn’t add up. Nino leaned against the wall and just stared blankly at his best friend.  
Then Nino’s day suddenly got better. He grinned slyly and turned to Queen Bee and Viperion.  
“What are we waiting for? I’ve been wanting to throw hands with Gabriel and Hawkass for six years! Now I’m legally obligated to do it!” Nino swung his shield over his back and leapt out of his trashed room.  
“CARAPACE!” Ladybug yelled. Nino stopped and sighed, sure, he loved Wayzz, but he would definitely give up his miraculous forever to throw a single punch at Gabriel Agreste.  
“What?”  
“Yeah Ladybug, let us have our fun! Gabriel deserves to get beaten up for his terrible taste in design!” Queen Bee looked happier than ever, and surprisingly enough, even Ryuko and Viperion nodded in agreement.  
“Exactly! Lets go rough him up a bit before we hand him over to law enforcement.” Nino gestured in the direction of the giant mansion and Rena grinned.  
“I think we should talk it out and try to come to a peaceful solution.” Ladybug tried to reason.  
“M’Lady, I’m afraid that that won’t happen, my father isn’t one to negotiate.”  
“And hasn’t he done horrible things to all of us?” Ryuko added. “If everyone here is who I think they are, then almost everyone here has been akumatized, or has had someone close to them akumatized.” She paused and Ladybug stared at her. “What? Like it's hard to figure out who everyone is? Carapace and Rena Rouge act exactly like a couple in my friend group, Chloé is Queen Bee, I’m here obviously, and you gave both me and Viperion our miraculous at the same time. The rest of you need to hide your personalities better.”  
“Did you suspect me at all?” Chat asked.  
“Adrien, you’ve never said fuck in your entire life, how in the world would I think you were the favorite cursing cat of Paris?”  
“No! We’re getting sidetracked!” Queen Bee turned the conversation back to beating up Gabriel Agreste and Nino silently thanked her. “He akumatized my mother on purpose, went after my father to draw me out, and he also thought Bubbler's costume was a good idea! He fired someone just to akumatize them, and he’s gone after too many people in my class! Making me fail every class but P.E is the last straw!”  
“And he grounded me for losing sleep over an akuma he created!” Chat added.  
“He needs to get beaten up! And it needs to be filmed!” Rena nodded her head in agreement and Nino’s day got better.  
“I’m probably not going to win this.” Ladybug groaned. “And I’m probably going to regret this, but go ahead.”  
“YES! Now let's go payback Hawkass for all of the sleep he’s made us lose, the meals we’ve missed, the classes we’ve almost failed, and all of the terrible stuff he’s done to our buddy!” Nino held his hand out in the middle of the group and the other heroes followed suit. “Kick Hawkbitches ass on three!” He yelled. “One! Two! Three!” They echoed him and threw their hands in the air.  
“Let's go! Come on!” Queen Bee pulled herself away from the rooftop and went flying off towards the Agreste mansion. “LAST ONE THERE HAS TO FILM IT!” She yelled. Understandably, everyone took off after her, well Chat Noir kinda hung back a little, but he did try to trip Nino up with his staff once or twice.  
“How you handling the news Bro?” Nino asked as his friend tried to go past him.  
“Well, he wasn’t as emotionally distanced as I once thought, so I got that going for me.” He tried to joke.  
“Dude.” Nino warned.  
“Fine, my dads the magical terrorist who’s been traumatizing Paris for the last six years and he wants me and the woman of my dreams dead, so, not so fine I guess.”  
“You wanna film it?”  
“I don’t think we should film past taking his miraculous, but, yeah, even though I haven’t talked with him in over a year, I still have this weird urge to please him, and it’s freaking me out.”  
“That fine bro, and besides, we all need this. And it's fine if you don’t wanna beat up your father.” Nino then slammed into Ladybug, who had stopped outside of the Agreste mansion.  
“This is going to be dangerous, the mansion has all of the newest security systems and Nathalie.” She warned  
“Don’t forget the Gorilla.” Nino joked.  
“He’ll be on our side, plus Nathalie is probably Mayura.” Chat added glumly.  
“Lets see what happens when she finds out what her boss has been doing to you!” Queen Bee replied. “I’ve been on her computer, she has a folder dedicated entirely to blackmail on your dad, the Hawkmoth thing wasn’t mentioned, but that was before Ladybug made her first appearance, so she might not have known.”  
“Did she have one on me?” Chat asked.  
“Nope.” She replied, popping the p. Queen Bee then threw her spinning top at a window and went sailing inside. Everyone followed, leaving Viperion the last man out for filming.  
“He akumatized me and my entire family, and I don’t even get to throw a punch.” He grumbled.  
“Get in line dude, my mom is the only one in my entire family to not be akumatized, and even then she's not out of their reach. She's a chef at Chloé’s family hotel, you know, the ground zero for bad feelings?” Rena joked.  
“I heard that!” Queen Bee yelled.  
“You were supposed to!” She replied.  
“Where should we start?” Ryuko asked.  
“How about the very bowels of hell-” Queen Bee began.  
“Your house?” Nino interrupted. She glared at him and Nino continued his joke. “Queen Bee, I thought you were on our side?”  
“Fine, the black pit of despair the slimeball originally crawled out of. His office.” 

Nino was becoming more and more frustrated with each second in the weirdly sterile room Gabriel called an office, honestly they should have seen it coming, what sane man voluntarily uses a standing desk. Nino looked over to see his girlfriend filming the ransacking of the office. Queen Bee, always ready to destroy someone for their sense of fashion, pulled open a drawer in the desk and gagged.  
“How the fuck did we not guess him sooner?” She yelled, holding up a very familiar tie.  
“It’s a regular tie, he’s a fashion designer, it would be weird if he didn’t own one.” Ryuko added.  
“It's! A! CLIP!” Queen bee over enunciated. “This man wears a clip on tie! That's like a model wearing clothes from K-Mart anywhere but their own house! You don’t do it! Only psychopaths use clip on ties!” She was outraged. “What's next? Hating cats?”  
“How can you hate a cat?” Nino asked.  
“And may I ask, why are you breaking and entering?” Nino jumped as Nathalie made herself known to the heroes, serious as ever, and as always, she displayed no actual emotion.  
“We know your boss is Hawkmoth. Step aside and we will hold no grudge against you.” Ryuko stood tall and rested her hands on the pommel of her sword, making it slightly dig into the wooden floor. “But I can promise you, that If you don’t stand aside, we will show you no mercy. Leave now, and you will be spared.”  
“I’m afraid that that won’t be an option.” Nathalie replied emotionlessly. She then started to say something Nino was kind of expecting, but he really didn’t want to hear. “Duusu, Spread my-” Viperion successfully cut her off with a nice right hook to the jaw, and Nathalie crumpled to the floor.  
“Viperion!” Rena reprimanded. “We needed proof of her being the absolute worst!”  
“She punched me through a wall, like I didn’t even provoke her, she just lunged for me the second she transformed!” Viperion defended himself. “And besides, she had this!” He pulled a brooch from under Nathalie’s overcoat and held it up in front of the camera. “Peacock miraculous! Right here!” He handed it over to Chat Noir, since he was literally the only one on the team who had working pockets.  
“If I were a psychopath hellbent on killing a couple of teenagers, where would I hide?” Nino muttered to himself. He then looked up at the very creepy and very large painting of Adrien's mother.  
“Hey Chat, what's the chance of Hawkass having a panic room?” Nino asked.  
“Very high.” Chat replied, opening up the computer and typing in the password. “God, could you actually imagine having to wear this?” He turned the monitor towards Rena and rolled his eyes.  
“That's worse than Backwarder and Mister Pigeon combined!” Ladybug commented. “How can he sleep at night? Knowing that the puffy orange goose feather jacket-dress exists?”  
“I was right!” Ryuko made a triumphant noise and poked at the painting Nino had previously been looking at. The little triangles sunk in and a secret panel in slid open with a mechanical hiss.  
“Okay, five bucks and a box of macaroons from the Dupain-Cheng bakery that it takes us to a secret attic hideout!” Nino looked at his best bud and finally saw him smile for the first time that day.  
“I’ll double that, secret basement lair that proves to be super depressing!” Viperion replied.  
“No way, it's definitely just an empty attic filled with butterflies. I’ll bet my favorite pair of sneakers on it.” Queen Bee leapt into the little elevator and looked at what Nino assumed to be the button panel.  
“Ten bucks and a box of Dupain-Cheng cookies that it has some really weird shit.” Rena added. “Now let's find out.” She squeezed in with Queen Bee and Ryuko went in after. “I’ll go down with them. Chaton, could you lock Nathalie somewhere she can’t escape?” Ladybug smiled and pressed the button. The panel slid shut and emitted quiet mechanical sounds as the elevator took the girls to Hawkmoths hideout. 

“LEFT! NO MY LEFT!” Chat yelled as they once again knocked Nathalie against a doorframe. “Okay, now set her down-gently! Come on guys!” Nino did not feel one ounce of regret as he and Viperion dropped Nathalie in Adrien's old room in a very uncaring manner.  
“Could you two be any rougher?” Chat asked. Nino nudged Nathalies hand with his foot and gave Chat a pointed look before turning around and heading for the office.


	2. Nino endures 10 minutes of hell in an elevator

Nino wanted to strangle Hawkmoth. His elevator had easy listening music playing on a loop. It didn’t quite fill the awkward silence between the three boys, and Nino did not like awkward silences.  
“So, wanna challenge the girls to a Super Mega-Strike match once this is over?” Chat asked, trying to break the tension.  
“Yes! We can order pizza and make fun of Hawkass on social media!” Nino replied enthusiastically.  
“Does everyone here know how to play SMS?” Viperion questioned. “I think Ka-” His eyes widened and he closed his mouth with an audible snap.  
“Who?”  
“No one.” He replied quickly.  
“Lemme guess, you and Ryuko know each other's secret identities? Don’t worry, we have one miraculous back and we’re on track to grab the second one.” Nino could feel the embarrassment radiating off of Viperion. And it didn’t get any better when his bracelet beeped for the final time and he became Luka Couffaine, Marinette's ex boyfriend.  
“Dude, bad luck.” Chat offered.  
“I don’t suppose anyone has any eggs.” Luka’s Kwami, a little green snake asked.  
“Wayzz only likes green tea, green macaroons and seaweed. Sorry dude.” Nino felt bad for the little Kwami, and then remembered that they were in a giant mansion with a personal chef. Chat realized this too, and gave directions to Sass.  
“The kitchens are off of the dining room, I’ve cooked twice in my entire life so I have no idea where eggs usually go.”  
“You’ve cooked? Adrien Agreste knows how to cook?” Nino mocked surprise and Chat rolled his eyes and sat down. Nino and Luka quickly followed suit and his aching legs thanked him.  
“Marinette successfully taught me how to make macaroons, and Ladybug tried to teach me how to make the Kwami power ups, it did not go well.” He shuddered involuntarily at what Nino guessed to be a traumatic memory. Sass then phased through the wall and they were once again plunged into awkward silence.  
“So, what does your Kwami eat? I remember Rena telling me that Trixx would eat a macaroon, but he really liked grapes or crackers.” Nino made a desperate bid at conversation and it worked.  
“Plagg only eats camembert cheese, or on occasion, any expensive cheese, and if he tries something and wants it again, I either get it for him or he goes on a hunger strike. I spent two weeks smelling nothing but donkey cheese because he tried some Pule off of my plate and wouldn’t eat anything else.”  
“Pule?”  
“It can cost upwards of 500 euros.”  
“Plagg would have starved if he had gotten someone else.” Luka chuckled. “Ryuko said that Longg only ate watermelon and peaches.”  
“I hope Pollen eats like pure gold or something.” Nino joked. “Or maybe honey fresh from a hive. Could you imagine Chloé trying to keep bees?” Luka and Chat laughed right as Sass phased back through the wall.  
“Hey Sass, do you know what the other Kwami eat?” Luka asked.  
“I know that Duusu likes corn and freshly picked berries, and Nooroo is very fond of mellon slices and finely aged red wine.” Sass replied. “Tikki, Ladybugs Kwami loves sweet things and was very happy with her holder. Pollen in fact does like gold shavings, but only on vanilla ice cream. And yes she adores fresh honeycomb straight from a hive, but she doesn’t indulge herself that often because of all of the work the bee’s put into it. Her current favorite food I believe is called a Saint honoré cake.”  
“Isn’t that the cake Chloé despises with every fiber of her being?” Nino mused.  
“I do recall several rants on that particular cake.” Chat replied.  
“We Kwami usually try to tailor our favorite food to the times and the holders, and our favorite foods can change, in fact, Fluff liked carrots up until the 13th century, she then decided that sunflower seeds were her favorite. I for one, ate mice and frogs for a while. But then the witch hunts started gaining popularity and I had to switch to eggs.”  
Nino cracked up at the thought of Luka carrying around dead frogs and mice for Sass to eat.  
“You should probably transform before the doors open.” Nino stood up and stretched his arms. “Who puts easy listening music in an elevator to their evil lair?”  
“Hawkmoth apparently.” Luka replied. “Sass, Scales Slither!” With a flash of light he became Viperion once again. And not a moment too soon, the doors opened and they escaped the elevator of hell, or hellavator as Nino would call it later on.

“That took forever!” Rena stood to the side with her phone turned off. “Did you guys get stuck or something?” She turned her phone on, opened her camera and started recording. “Oh and everyone here owes me money and baked goods! Except for Queen Bee, I get her expensive Heelies!”  
“My best shoes ARE NOT HEELIES!” Queen Bee yelled in outrage.  
“According to ananoumous sources, they totally are and you wear them all the time and one time you almost rolled of of a roof!”  
“LIES!”  
“Guys! We can argue about Queen Bee’s heelies later, let’s focus on busting Hawkmoth!” Ladybug proved to be the voice of reason, and they slowly moved forward through what could only be described as a very creepy and silent underground garden.  
“I’ll take the camera, Viperion really wanted to punch Hawkmoth.”  
“And you don’t?”  
“He called in the big favor, and I owe him.”  
“I want the details afterwards alleycat!” Alya passed over her presious phone to Chat and merrily skipped off, probably contemplating all she had won in the bet and that she could finally beat up Hawkbitch for making her lose sleep.  
“Carapace, anything to say to the fans?” Chat turned the camera towards him and smiled.  
“All dreams will eventually come true, I once dreamed of breaking Hawkmoths kneecaps with a baseball bat, and today that dream comes true, well I’ll be using Chatons baton and my sheild, but thats close enough.” Nino replied dreamily. Chat then turned towards Viperion, barely holding back his laughter.  
“Anything to add Viperion?”  
“Like Carapace, this is a day long awaited, because of Loquesta, my sister and I were turned into cockroaches and then I was stepped on by a fashion model in stilettos, and then he made one of his rare appearances and stepped on me. Lets just say I might shove that stupid cane of his where the sun don’t shine.”  
“That wonderful saying has a very distinct American vibe, am I checking that right?” Nino asked, portraying how the rich people at a wine tasting Adrien had taken him to had acted.  
“My American friends gave me a lesson in insults, I don’t use my powers often, but in this case, I believe they will be nessisary.” Viperion replied with an equally dry and haughty tone.  
“Hey Queen Bee! Would you like to impart some words of wisdom onto the fans?” Chat asked. She turned around and laughed haughtily.  
“I have three things for my wonderful hive, and everyone else I guess. One, emotionally distant parents are utterly ridiculous! Never be one! Two, if someone asks you to be a magical terrorist, or help a magical terrorist, please say no, I almost made that mistake three years ago and I don’t want anyone else to make it. And three, I know for a fact that one of you jerks will make a Queen Bee costume with heelies, I want one and you have my blessing to make it.”  
“Rena?”  
“I’ve been throwing darts for five years at pictures of Hawkass that I taped to a dartboard, today I get to beat up the real one with a flute. Karma is a wonderful thing.”  
“Ry- Ryuko?” Chat asked through snickers.  
“Dreamcrusher failed me in two of my classes, and Hawkbitch has almost cost me my grades twice because of all of the Akuma attacks during finals week. I’m going to air fry the little bug.”  
“M’lady?”  
“I pride myself on rarely cursing, but he’s just awful. Hawkmoth is a little bitch with poor taste and I really want to rescue his miraculous. Then we can hand him over to law enforcement.”  
“Clever and classy as always M’lady.” Chat bowed and Ladybug actually giggled.  
“And to all of the Chat Noir fans watching at home, yes, all eight of you, stay classy and keep on punning! Intend those puns! Intend the heck outa those puns!”  
“Chat, you have way more fans than that.” Ladybug replied softly.  
“Actually, eight might be an exaggeration.”  
“Chat I’m your first fan, surely you didn’t forget me?” She asked playfully. Chat then turned to the camera and squealed. “I have nine fans!”  
“I’m right here.” Nino grumbled. “Dude can’t even remember his own best friend.”  
“Ten!”  
‘WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL???? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!” Queen Bee raced by and climed Viperions body while making an unholy screeching sound.  
“What is it?” Ladybug turned towards them, and her faced softened, seeing Queen Bee visibly shaking and clinging to Viperion like a koala.  
“HIS WIFE, IS IN A FUCKING COFFIN!” She screeched. “AUNT EMILIE IS IN THIS NIGHTMARE HOUSES FUCKING BASEMENT!”  
“Queen Bee, Viperion isn’t a tree, or a fence. Off.” Ryuko helped the shaken heroine off of the hero and steadied her. “What did you see?”  
“My Auntie Emilie is in a glass coffin down that way! Surrounded by moth bushes!”  
“God that sounds dirty.” Nino muttered. Chat glared at him and he shrugged back. “What? Tell me Moth bushes doesn’t sound dirty?”  
“I hated that mental picture more than anything in this entire world, thin fucking ice Carapace, thin fucking ice.”  
“Let's go investigate, Chat, wanna hand the camera over and calm the Bee down?” Rena asked.  
“No, Ryuko is already calming her down, and Viperion can do it if Ryuko doesn’t want to. I’m one of the original heroes of Paris, this is probably in the contract I definitely didn’t read.” He sighed.  
“I’ll stay behind and calm her down. Ryuko is better in this situation and we don’t have time for my miraculous to recharge again.”  
“Fine, who's ready to go see the creepiest part of Losermoths basement?” Chat asked. They all walked forward, the careful joy from before gone.  
“Permission to make dark jokes Chaton?” Nino asked. Chloés freak out was definitely acceptable and he could feel the tension in the air.  
“You get two, make good use of them.”  
“She's not dead!” Ladybug exclaimed, examining a little screen on the panel. “Wait, didn’t, didn’t our guy say that the peacock miraculous was damaged?”  
“He warned me about damaged miraculous, they can sap the strength of the user until they fall into a coma. She must have used the peacock miraculous and didn’t know of the side effects.” Chat Noir added.  
“Can it be fixed?” Rena asked.  
“The manual has two non goat blood rituals and seeing how no one wants to wake up covered in goat blood, I have to order gold, diamond shavings, find a dragon scale and then use the peacock miraculous in a very satanic style ritual. This is going to suck.”  
“So, the dudes first instinct when his wife fell into a coma was to put her in this monstrosity in his fucking basement? Not to take her to the hospital? This feels like the first draft for Twilight.” Nino muttered.  
“One.”  
“Aww man! Fine, I'll make the other one count.” Nino took a deep breath and thought. “When we started saying yeet the rich, this was so not how I pictured it going down.” Rena slapped him upside the head and he swatted at her hand. “What was that for?”  
“No.”  
“Wha-”  
“That was, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, worse than the Moth bush joke.”  
“Rena! We’re French! It's a tradition! Gabriel had three strikes. Strike one was being the worst outside of magic terrorismm, then turning out to be the worst all around! Strike two was that nightmare puffy dress, and strike three is being able to afford to do this and then doing it!”  
“Three, Carapace dude, you just went over the limit.”  
“That wasn’t a joke! We’re going to fucking send Hawkmoth for doing this. Yeet that motherfucker into the stratosphere! That money could have gone to a charity or something! Buuuuutttttt nooooooo! The psychopath had to do- do this!” Nino gestured to the room and Chat showed the camera what he was ranting about.  
“Let's find Hawkmoth and get this over with.” Ladybug walked back down the runway and everyone else followed.  
“She’s not dead, don’t worry Queen Bee, Madam Emilie is safe, and I can reverse the effects of her coma.” Ladybug offered a hand up to Queen Bee and she laughed. “We bugs have to stick together.”  
“Oh god is that another elevator?” Viperion pointed to a small glass cylinder opposite of the coffin runway. How none of them hadn’t noticed it before was a miracle.  
“Is Hawkmoth really worth another ten minutes of elevator music?” Nino asked.  
“I’m failing six classes forever, this is beyond personal.” Queen Bee charged into the elevator with Ryuko and Viperion in tow. Chat went in with them and they barely managed to squeeze in and close the door.  
“Keep my phone safe Chat!” Rena called as they shot up towards what everyone hoped was Hawkmoths lair.  
This elevator, Nino noted, was a lot quicker, barely two minutes had passed before it came back. Rena, Nino and Ladybug squeezed themselves into the thing and as soon as they closed the doors, it shot up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you can’t tell, I ship Chloé and Luka.


	3. The ass kicking we have all been waiting for.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawkmoth gets his ass handed to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m proud of this chapter. So here you go! Freshly written crack with a smidge of identity reveal! Oh, and If enough of you want the Loquesta story, I will happily provide it!

Nino sprung off of the elevator, to catch Hawkmoth mid monologue.  
“Yes Chat Noir, it was quite foolish for you to come here with only two snakes and a bug as backup! With Ladybug and your first two meddling sidekicks gone, I will have absolute power! So surrender or di-” Nino cut him off by jumping over the other heroes and slinging his shield right into Hawkmoths stupid face.  
“Aww, you waited.” Ladybug playfully bumped Chats shoulder with her own and started spinning her yo-yo. “You really think you could take Ryuko, Viperion, Queen Bee, and Chat Noir all on your own? Just because Rena Rouge, Carapace, and I were missing?” She challenged. “You have two choices, hand over your miraculous and surrender, or fight us and find out just how bad of an idea Dreamcrusher was.”  
“And what could you do to me? All Dreamcrusher did was fail some students who wouldn’t have made it anyway.” Hawkmoth replied arrogantly.  
This, predictably, set everyone off. Rena and Queen Bee charged Hawkass screaming bloody murder, and Nino watched in amusement as Hawkmoth got his ass handed to him. Ryuko joined in next, and she went straight for his face.  
“YOU TERRORIZE PEOPLE IN A LUCHADOR MASK FOR A LIVING!” She yelled. “NO ROOM TO TALK!” She punctuated every word with a swing at Hawkmoth's face.   
Viperion started playing something on his Lyre, and it was actually throwing Hawkmoth off of his rhythm. Nino then grabbed Chat Noirs Baton from his belt and picked his shield up as he raced towards the group.   
With out a single word to dignify the supervillain, Nino cracked the baton over his kneecaps before knocking a tooth out of Hawkmoth's mouth with his shield.   
“I! WILL! NOT! FAIL! MATHS!” Queen Bee wrapped her spinning top around Hawkmoths legs and pulled hard, slamming him into the stone floor with extreme prejudice.  
“FIX THE AKUMA!” She yelled, grabbing the baton from Nino and jumped up in the air, extending it until it was firmly lodged in the walls of the empty room. Running the string of her top over the bar, she pulled him up so he was hanging by his feet, dangling a meter or so from the floor.  
“Release me!” He yelled, trying, and failing to grab the string. Nino laughed, he couldn’t even manage a single sit up.  
“Fix the Akuma and hand over your Miraculous.” Ladybug replied. “Viperion, you get the first crack at him.” She then wrapped her Yo-Yo around Hawkmoth so his legs and torso were secured. Queen Bee released her hold on the villain as soon as Ladybug ran the yo-yo string over the baton.  
Viperion shoved his Lyre into Chats hands and walked over to the supervillain, whistling as he did so.  
“So, why can’t Dreamcrushers damage be repaired by the ladybugs?”  
“I will not give up my Miraculous!”   
“Ryuko, please hand me his cane.” Viperion held out his hand and it took everything Nino had to not ruin the mood by laughing. Ryuko handed the cane over and Viperion promptly poked Hawkmoth in the chest. “Now we have two options here Mr. Agreste, option one is the easy one, all you have to do is fix the Akuma and hand over your Miraculous. Option two is much more embarrassing and painful, see, we know who you are, why you’re doing this, and most importantly, we can keep you in prison for the rest of your miserable life. So if you don’t want us to take turns beating you like a pinata with your own cane, I’d suggest you answer the question.”  
“No.”  
Nino really did try to not laugh, but Viperion pimp slapped Hawkmoth with his own cane. Anyone would lose their composure.  
“So, how do we fix the damage?” He asked once more.  
“My lawyer isn’t here, I cannot legal-” Hawkmoth was cut off by Viperion whacking him upside the head.  
“May I remind you that we can bring the guillotine back with a snap of our fingers? This is not America Mr. Agreste, this is France, and rich men trying to harm the common people has never gone over well. Chose your next words very carefully.”  
“So we can’t launch him into orbit?” Nino asked. “Or we could send him to England, you know, give them our problem for once.” He smiled victoriously as both Ladybug and Chat Noir snickered.  
“Snake boy! You’re going about it all wrong!” Queen Bee took the cane from Viperion and pushed him out of the way. “I will fucking destroy you in court, social media, and I will make sure no one ever buys one of your designs again. Even if you can get out of jail, I will make it so no one will ever model for you, or sponsor you again. The Bourgeois’s family made you, and we can destroy you. Your son will take over the company and you will be left with nothing.”  
“She can do that?” Rena leaned over and whispered to Chat Noir.   
“Her mother once took down three Channel models and five designers for embezzlement. And that was because they pissed her off, Queen Bee has the moral high ground. If she asks him to jump in the seine, he has to ask where.” Chat whispered the answer, not taking his eyes off of Queen Bee as she lit into Hawkmoth.  
“Lit.” Nino turned his attention back to Queen Bee and managed to hold his composure.  
“I could, however, maybe be persuaded to not ruin your entire career and life, if you cooperate. But, for me to even consider that, you would have to tell us exactly what you did, and then hand over your miraculous before getting into a police cruiser quietly. Your move Mr. Agreste.” Queen Bee leaned on the cane and looked at her nails, seemingly bored with threatening the biggest pain in every Parisian's ass for the last six years.  
“Ahh, but you forgot one little thing, Mayura!” Hawkmoth tried to turn himself towards the elavator, no doubt hoping for Mayuras appearance.  
“We have her miraculous and she is currently locked in a bedroom. No one is coming to save you. Now, tell us how to fix your mess before I rip that fugly brooch off of your turkey neck and fix it myself.” Queen Bee absentmindedly twirled her top and created sparks as it ran along the floor.   
“No.” Hawkmoth glared at them   
“God I have to do everything!” Queen Bee grabbed the brooch and ripped it off. Gabriel Agreste appeared in place of Hawkmoth and he glared at each of the heroes in turn.   
“You will regret that! I am trying to bring back my wife! This is for my family!”  
“Pathetic! You don’t turn to terrorism when a family member has cancer! You take them to a hospital and get the care you need! Ladybug could have fixed this mess years ago, but noooooo! You can’t accept help from anyone! You are so pathetic that you resorted to terrorizing an entire city! Aunt Emilie wouldn’t want this!”  
“We talked before she fell into the coma, this is her plan.”  
“God this isn’t even your own plan! Utterly ridiculous! Utterly utterly ridiculous! How lame do you have to be to terrorize an entire city because your wife told you to before she fell into a coma! What my mother ever saw in you is beyond me!” Queen Bee handed the Brooch to Ladybug and continued her rant. “I’m turning your house into an orphanage and selling those fashion awards you really don’t deserve and using the money to fund a free therapy program so even if you do come back as Hawkbitch, you're more useless than a broken heel! Fucking white male rage.” Queen Bee kicked him in the face before walking away. Chat ended the video and handed the phone back to Rena.   
“Okay, Nooroo knows how to fix the problem.” Ladybug turned around and Nino gasped. She was wearing the butterfly miraculous. “We just need to combine my Miraculous with the Butterfly brooch and then I need to use my ladybugs. Apparently that's how Tikki learned to purify Akuma’s in the first place.”  
“What are you waiting for then? We should fix the damage and send Loosermoth here to the curb!” Nino exclaimed.  
“Turn him around so he doesn’t learn my identity, and maybe close the window.” Ladybug replied dryly. They followed her orders and the room was plunged into darkness for a moment, and then the backup lights turned on and the room was flooded in warm light.  
“Tikki, spots off.”  
“NO FUCKING WAY!” Queen Bee screamed. “NO FUCKING WAY!” She sank to her knees and looked like Chat Noir had earlier when Ladybug gave him his miraculous.   
“I’m a terrible reporter, my best friend.” Rena mumbled, looking at her feet.   
“Plot twist.” Nino muttered.  
“That makes so much sense.” Ryuko added. She kneed Hawkmoth in the face as he tried to turn around. “Everyone, well everyone except for Queen Bee was in her friend group when they got their miraculous for the first time. I didn’t get one until she made friends with me.”  
“NO!” Queen Bee yelled. “I was the biggest asshole in Paris to Ladybug, why the fuck do I still have my miraculous?”  
“Lila took first prize for biggest asshole in Paris. Queen Bee, you proved yourself worthy of the Bee miraculous, well we had some setbacks, but you eventually became one of the six peole I trust with my life, and now my identity.” Marinette replied. She handed a red macaroon to Tikki and smiled nervously at her team. “So, any questions?”  
“How did you steal the textbook back?” Rena asked.   
“Museum, it was a very nerve racking five minutes.” She replied.  
“Hey, earth to Chat, dude, come on!” Nino poked his friend in the shoulder and just couldn’t seem to snap him out of it.   
“Can we keep or miraculous, or do we have to give them back once Hawkass is in jail?” Nino asked.  
“You guys get to keep them, remember Timetager? I am so not running around to give you guys your Miraculous back if that's still our future. And we can still do good for Paris, but we’re probably not going to get together like this often, well in costume anyway.”  
“We should fix the damage before it settles Ladybug.” A little purple butterfly flew out from behind Marinette and hovered next to Tikki.   
“Aww! He’s adorable!” Queen Bee coued. “Can I keep him? Pollen talks about him often and I really want to make her happy.”  
“I would be honored, Queen Bee.” Nooroo replied.   
“We’ll talk about that later.” Tikki handed Nooroo half a cookie and he accepted it gleefully. Once he had scarfed it down, Marinette merged the Kwamis and fixed Paris.


	4. Ladybug and Chat have a talk that was a long time in the making.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let's hear your amazing pun, c’mon Chat, he wouldn’t have appreciated it anyway.”  
> “Fine, okay, here it is! How does a moth swim?”  
> “What is it Chaton?”  
> “The Butterfly stroke!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed POV so the story would flow better

Ladybug ran across the rooftops of Paris, feeling happier than she had in a long time, Hawkmoth was defeated and she knew Chats identity, something that she had always wondered about, but knew that her duty to Paris came first. Wow, six years can change a lot. She lassoed a nearby chimney and pulled herself onto the roof across the street, laughing happily as the wind whipped through her short hair (awww yeah boys! She has short hair in this fic!)   
“Today feels right.” She said to herself. Ladybug laid down and watched the clouds roll by, sighing contentedly now that she had little to worry about now.   
“Funny, I was just about to say the same M’lady, Great minds do think alike after all.” Chat Noir landed on the rooftop with a muted thud and she waved him over.  
“Great day to watch the clouds isn’t it Chaton?” Ladybug sighed again as he laid down, feet against the chimney and the tips of his cat ears just brushing against her hair.  
“It certainly is M’lady. In fact I saw three couples on my way over doing the same thing we are.”  
“I missed this Chat, just being able to meet up and watch the clouds go by. I didn’t even realize it until now, but we never had time to do it after our second year.”  
“Me too. Oh, Nino wanted me to ask you something, apparently the team wants to experiment with the miraculous power ups now that we don’t have to fight Hawkmoth.” Chat flicked his ears and sighed. “Honestly I’ve been wondering for a while what the red one does. Plagg refuses to tell me anything about it. Last time I asked, he just said that it ruins the taste of his camembert.”  
“Huh, Tikki said her favorite was the red one. I wonder why Plagg doesn’t like it.”  
“It's Plagg, he doesn’t like his food to touch other food.”   
The conversation fell to a natural lull, and they both looked at the clouds for a while, just thinking about all of the stuff they had endured. Then, Ladybug remembered something that embarrassed her, years after it had happened. She groaned and squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to get rid of the memory.  
“Something wrong M’lady?”  
“Style Queen.” She groaned. “Please forgive me for those voicemails.”  
“Oh there’s nothing to forgive M’lady, those voicemails were hysterical!” Chat reached down past her head and opened his hand. “Besides, we have the rest of our lives to figure this out.” He added softly. Ladybug put her hand in his and giggled as he started to purr.  
“Something funny M’lady?”  
“You’re purring Chaton.”  
“It's one of the side effects of the cat miraculous, and I can’t exactly control it.”  
“It's adorable Chaton.” She replied. “You know, if some told me that one day I would be holding hands with Adrien Agreste while watching clouds go by in a Hawkmoth free world, I wouldn’t believe them. It seemed so impossible last week, yet here we are.” She added softly.  
“Neither would I, and I must say M’lady, I had the biggest crush on you when I was younger.”  
“Oh I know that Chaton. You were, actually you still are quite the flirt.”  
“I only ever flirted with you M’lady. And I had a crush on Marinette, you know, your secret identity?”   
“No way.” Ladybug sat up and looked at her partner, eyes wide.  
“Huh?”  
“I had the most embarrassing crush on you in middle school. At one point I couldn’t form a complete sentence around you.”  
“How did I not notice!” Chat also sat up and looked her in the eye.  
“Well, we could fix it?” Ladybug smiled shyly and gave his hand a little squeeze. “Would you like to get ice cream? My treat.”  
“Absolutely!”  
“It's a date then!” Ladybug pulled Chat to his feet and whipped out her yo-yo. “Last one to André’s cart is a rotten egg!” She jumped off the roof, screaming with glee as Chat chased after her. And like any competition between them, Chat became determined to beat her, and flirt while doing it.  
“So M’lady, now that the cat’s out of the bag, how does that romantic moonlight dinner sound now?” Chat teased as he caught up to her.  
“I think it sounds Purrrfect!” She laughed. Chat seemed to short circuit, and he nearly fell off of the roof he was on.  
“Even now you make me weak in the knees Bugaboo!” He jumped from one side of the street to the other, and Ladybug followed, snickering at him as he tried to regain his composure.  
“Something wrong Chaton?” She asked innocently.  
“Everything’s perfect M’lady! And I must say, your puns are spot on!” He laughed.  
“Well, in that case try to keep up!” Ladybug swung away and just couldn’t seem to stop smiling as she raced Chat to Andrés ice cream cart. 

“So M’lady,” Chat gleefully accepted the double scoop dark chocolate and strawberry ice cream cone from her. “Who’s reaction was your favorite?” Seeing her confusion, Chat explained further. “When everyone found out your identity yesterday? Who’s reaction was your favorite?”  
“It's definitely Chloés reaction. I definitely did not expect her to admit to being the biggest asshole in Paris.” Ladybug replied, taking a moment to enjoy her peach and mint double scoop. “Nino was a close second though.” She scooted a little closer to him and enjoyed their view of the Seine from a nearby rooftop.  
They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying the view and their ice cream. Then, Ladybug remembered something from her first year as a superhero. She froze, her ice cream cone just a couple inches away from her mouth.   
“Bugaboo? Something wrong?” Chat looked at her with concern, and placed his hand on her shoulder.  
“I locked Nino and Alya in that animal enclosure. She’s going to kill me.”  
“She’s probably going to thank you. Well after she's through chewing you out after Nino mentions it in his proposal.”  
“He’s going to propose?”  
“I helped him pick out the ring last month, he was planning on popping the question on her birthday, but he decided to do it next week, since we defeated Hawkmoth and everyone can lead semi normal lives now.” Chat finished his Ice Cream and laid back.  
“Yeah, I guess we can.” Ladybug trailed off and looked at the sky.  
“Something wrong?” Chaton nudged his leg against hers and yawned, the warm sunlight must’ve been making him sluggish.  
“Yeah, I-I just realized that I didn’t really plan for Hawkmoths defeat. Or for him being Gabriel Agreste. I’ve spent six years building up two separate lives, with different contingency plans, and yet I didn’t have a plan for bringing them together.”  
“Well Bugaboo, I will help you in any way possible, and you can call him Hawkbitch. He doesn’t deserve dignity.”  
“I think Chloé took that away from him along with his Miraculous.” Ladybug finished her Ice Cream and laid back, her shoulder brushing against Chats.  
“He lost his dignity when she told him off for wearing a luchador mask during Hero’s day, while in a yellow and black jumpsuit.”  
“She can pull the jumpsuit off, Gabriel did not rock the luchador mask.”  
“Good point.” Chat then turned his head, and looked at her with wide eyes. “I just realized I never got to use my ultimate pun on Hawkass. M’lady, my life is officially ruined.” Chat groaned and looked back up at the sky, covering his eyes with his arm.  
“It's not the end of the world Chat.”  
“It is! I had a set up planned and everything! I had Nino agree to challenge Hawkmoth to a swimming contest if the opportunity arose!”  
“Let's hear your amazing pun, c’mon Chat, he wouldn’t have appreciated it anyway.”  
“Fine, okay, here it is! How does a moth swim?”  
“What is it Chaton?”  
“The Butterfly stroke!” He laughed.  
Ladybug laughed with him and relaxed, the world would continue as always, Abit the psychopath Mothman running around turning people with negative emotions into supervillains to bring his wife out of a coma using old jewelry he didn’t even know was in France when he started terrorizing people. Well, semi normal. She could always count on Chat keeping things interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *squints hard* I’m not sure if this is crack or fluff. So sorry for the wait, I had finals and I got so stressed I broke out in hives.


End file.
